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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26193448">A Load of Bunk</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/amythis/pseuds/amythis'>amythis</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Laverne &amp; Shirley (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Masturbation, Multi, Underage Masturbation, Unrequited</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:27:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,880</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26193448</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/amythis/pseuds/amythis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>How's a person supposed to get any sleep with Lenny above him?  Set 1947 to 1968.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. 1947 to 1956</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>1947</p>
</div><p>"Hey, Lenny, my mutter says you can sleep over this weekend."</p><p>"Gee, I dunno, Andy."</p><p>"What's wrong, Kosnowski?  My place ain't good enough for ya?"</p><p>"Of course not.  It's just, well, I think your kid sister likes me."</p><p>"Squendelyn likes everyone.  It's one of her defects."</p><p>"No, I mean, well, I think she has a crush on me."</p><p>Andrew laughed scornfully.  "Don't flatter yerself.  Besides, she's only seven and she don't even know the difference between boys and girls."</p><p>"What is the difference?"</p><p>"Well, for one thing, girls can't spit."</p><p>Lenny nodded as he did at all of his best friend's wisdom.  Then he said, "Even so, I don't think your dad likes me."</p><p>"Of course not, he's married."</p><p>"No, I mean as a person."</p><p>"If my fodder didn't like you, would he have bought me bunk beds?"</p><p>"Gee, really?"</p><p>"Yeah, it was gonna be a surprise but we can break 'em in on Saditty."</p><p>"I'll ask my dad about the sleepover."</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>@@@@</p>
  <p>1950</p>
</div><p>"Lenny, what are ya doin'?"</p><p>The squeaking stopped and Lenny guiltily said, "Nothin'."</p><p>"You're not jerkin' off in my upper bunk, are you?"</p><p>"Maybe?"</p><p>It was typical of them that Squiggy would know what jerking off was although he'd never done it and his fodder wasn't around to give him "the facts of life," and Lenny would do it without being sure what it was called because his dad worked long hours and never talked much.  Squiggy had at twelve not yet been hit with the puberty stick, but it was hitting Lenny hard.  Zits was popping out all over Lenny's face, his voice was breaking so much that half the time Squiggy thought it was Zofia, Lenny's seventeen-year-old sister, on the phone, and Lenny's already tall-for-their-grade body was shooting up enough that his feet dangled over the edge of the top bunk.  And now this.</p><p>"My mutter just washed them sheets a month ago!"</p><p>"I'm sorry, Squig.  I was just thinkin' about Laverne."</p><p>Squiggy laughed scornfully.  "That fat broad with the buck teeth?"</p><p>"I think she's cute," Lenny said, in a rare moment of defiancée.  "Besides, she's startin' to get tits."</p><p>"Mebbe they're just rolls of fat."</p><p>"I'm gonna go home if you're gonna make fun of Laverne."</p><p>"Sorry, Sir Lunchalot.  I didn't mean to cast dispersions on your lady fair."</p><p>"And I'm sorry for, um, touching myself up here."</p><p>"Say nothin' of it.  Well, to me.  I bet you're gonna have to confess to Fodder Gucci about it."</p><p>"Oh, crap, that's right!"</p><p>Squiggy was glad he was a Lutheran, specially if he'd end up jerking off someday.  He at least wouldn't be stupid enough to do it in front of witnesses, not that Squiggy would fink on his best friend.  There was silence until Squiggy said, "So DeFazio has tits now?"</p><p>"Well, she ain't no Jane Rustle, but it's a nice starter set."</p><p>"Hm.  You think Shirley Feeney's plannin' to grow some?  I mean, they're best friends and you know how girls always wanna imitate each udder."</p><p>"I guess?  Eventally?"</p><p>Squiggy thought Shirley was much cuter than Laverne, but he couldn't really picture her with tits.  It suddenly occurred to Squiggy that Zofia had tits.  He decided to dedicate his first jerk-off to her, when the puberty fairy came knocking at his door.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>@@@@</p>
  <p>1953</p>
</div><p>By now, Squiggy didn't bother to try and prevent what Fodder Gucci called Lenny's "self-pollution."  And after what they'd seen tonight, Squiggy knew he was gonna have to take himself in hand, either in the can or after Lenny jerked himself to sleep.</p><p>The squeaking paused and Lenny asked, "You think Hector got anything off the girls?"</p><p>"Anne Marie, probably.  But Shirl ain't givin' up nothin' until her wedding night, not even to me or the Big Ragoo."  Squiggy had been caught off guard when the Brillo-haired jock asked Shirley out and kept dating her all through freshman year.  Squiggy knew it was just that Shirley was too shy to go after the guy she really liked, Squiggy himself, but he probably should've made his move in junior high and not kept waiting for her tits to grow.</p><p>"What about Laverne?"</p><p>"DeFazio is a tease.  Hector will be lucky if he gets a soul kiss."</p><p>"Oh."  Lenny sounded like even that would be more than he wanted to imagine Hector getting off Lenny's crush.  But then he must've decided that living victorariously was better than nothin', because the squeaking  started up again.</p><p>It stopped when someone tapped on the window.  Squiggy sighed and got out of the lower bunk.  He definitely wasn't gonna get any sleep that night.</p><p>He was surprised to see Hector but of course opened the window.</p><p>"Oh, thank God this is your room!" Hector exclaimed as he climbed in, wearing only Valentine shorts and a white undershirt.</p><p>"Of course it's my room!" Squiggy snapped.  "I've lived here since I was a tot."</p><p>"No, I mean, I went to Squendelyn's room first."</p><p>"You went to my innocent thirteen-year-old sister's room dressed like a giggleo?"</p><p>"I thought it was your room."</p><p>Lenny giggled.  "Do you two want to be alone?"</p><p>"Shut up, Len.  Hector, ain't you supposed to be gettin' lucky at the girls' sleepover?"</p><p>"I tried, but Mr. DeFazio came home and caught me jumpin' out of the closet."</p><p>It sounded like there was a story behind this, not the story that Squiggy had hoped Hector would report but one he was curious about.</p><p>"...And so I ran five blocks from the fire escape above the Pizza Bowl, hopin' I wouldn't get caught by Laverne's old man or arrested for indecent exposure."</p><p>"Well, you can't sleep here.  I'm already havin' a sleepover with Lenny and I only got two bunks."</p><p>"He could sleep on the floor.  Or I could," soft-hearted Lenny suggested.</p><p>"Nah, I just wanna borrow some clothes so I can go home."</p><p>Hector was closer to Squiggy's size than Lenny's, so Squiggy reluctantly loaned a shirt and pants.  "I expect them clean and pressed Monday morning."</p><p>"Yes, Sir," Hector said with a salute.</p><p>After Hector climbed out the window, Squiggy shut it and looked over at the top bunk.  Lenny was curled up in a ball, and probably not just because the taller he got, the more of him that hung out of bed.  He was just as zitty, voice-cracking, and awkwardly hormonal at fifteen as he was at twelve, but now Squiggy could relate to him more.  He knew what it was like to have all these feelings you couldn't deal with, although Lenny didn't know how to hide any emotions, while Squiggy had learned how after his old man ran out a month after buying the bunk beds.</p><p>"Uh, I'm gonna go to the can before my mutter gets home from her date."</p><p>"OK, Squig."  The squeaking started up again.</p><p>For a moment, Squiggy wanted to stay but then he hurried out into the hallway.  Maybe he wouldn't think about Shirley in her pajamas.  It was time to break out the old Zofia Kosnowski fantasy, even if she was engaged.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>@@@@</p>
  <p>1956</p>
</div><p>During a pause in the squeaking, Squiggy called up to his friend, "You're a grown man now, Len, a high school granulate.  We've gotta get you laid."</p><p>"But, Squig, you know I wanna be in love the first time."</p><p>"Love don't last.  And you know Laverne is just a tease."</p><p>"I didn't say it had to be with her," Lenny mumbled.  "And sometimes it lasts."</p><p>Squiggy laughed scornfully.  "With who?  Shirley Feeney's folks and mine got divorced.  Your mutter ran out and your fodder died a broken husky of a man."</p><p>"My sister and her husband are happy."</p><p>"They're still practically newlywedges.  Wait until their kids is older."</p><p>"What about your mom and your stepdad?"</p><p>"They fight all the time!"</p><p>"Yeah, but mostly about you."</p><p>"Well, putting that beside, you need to get laid so you can stop jerkin' off in my upper bunk."</p><p>"I can't do it at home 'cause I sleep on the couch."</p><p>"You never heard of a shower?"</p><p>"I do it there, too," Lenny confessed, although he hadn't confessed to Fodder Gucci in over a year.</p><p>Squiggy was impressed.  He had a healthy libeano, but even he rarely did it more than once a day.  Then again, he got laid occasionarily.  "Let me at least set you up with someone who'll give you a handjob."</p><p>"How's that any better?"</p><p>"A girl touching your malehood with her soft hands?  It's the best!  Well, next to gettin' laid."</p><p>"I guess we could try it," Lenny said, and the revived squeaking signaled his approvance.</p><p>Squiggy started to imagine it, not just that it would finally clear Lenny's complexity and deepen his voice, but how happy it would make him.  He'd stand there with a dopy grin on his mug, all six foot of him, and however many inches of Little Lenny.</p><p>"I'm gonna go use the can before Squendelyn gets back from her date with Hector."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. 1959 to 1968</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>1959</p>
</div><p>"Her lips are delicious, Squig!"</p><p>"You've kissed her before."</p><p>"Yeah, I've kissed her, but this time she was definitely kissin' back."</p><p>"Yeah," Squiggy said quietly.  Now he wasn't thinking of Lenny's kiss with Laverne, which he hadn't seen, just heard.  He'd been very happily distracted by Shirley kissing him.  Her lips were definitely delicious, and soft.</p><p>He was still feeling a little heartbroken about Barbara Hummell, but she wasn't who he thought he'd fallen in love with.  Shirley was almost always herself, a rare quality in anyone, especially a good-looking dame.  Plus, even in heels, she wasn't much taller than him and that made a stand-up kiss even better.  Not that Lenny had seemed to mind stooping to Laverne.</p><p>"I didn't think she was gonna but I kept hopin' so I'm glad we stuck around because she did," Lenny babbled.</p><p>"Yeah, but remember, they turned us down for next weekend."  Sometimes he had to be the one to shoot down Lenny's balloon, because the guy could swing from persimmon to optometry like a finger-snap.</p><p>"I'll keep tryin' though.  After all, you said we'd have a better chance livin' in the same building with 'em."</p><p>He had said that, especially when Shirley vouched for them to Mrs. Liverwurst, the landlady before Mrs. Babish.  Still, he had arranged some quiet little orgies, so that Lenny wouldn't be a complete Virgo when he finally got Laverne.  "I did say that, Len, but it might take awhile."</p><p>"I'll try to be patient," Lenny said, and then the squeaking started of course.</p><p>About a year ago, Squiggy's stepfodder had dumped all his stuff on the street in front of 730 Knapp Street, and then the girls had kindly schlepped it up three flights.  Carmine had helped Lenny assemble the bunk beds, although for some reason he thought it was weird that two grown men slept in them.  Was Squiggy supposed to run out and buy separate beds when he had to now pay rent?  And, yeah, the bunks was over a decayed old by then, but they was still perfectly fine, even if the sheets was a little hard (Lenny's particulately).</p><p>Lenny still jerked off, even with a hell of a lot more action in a swingin' bachelor pad than livin' with Zofia and her family.  After all, it wasn't like even Squiggy got action every week, and Lenny's crush on Laverne was more severe than Squiggy's on Shirley.  Just a few months ago, Laverne had a chance to become Mrs. Kosnowski, since Lenny did the shiverous thing and proposed to her when he thought she was knocked up by some random guy at the brewery.  She turned him down, probably not wantin' to use him like that, although he hadn't minded being used.  And she apparently was so nice about it, Lenny told Squiggy he might propose to her again someday, under happier circusdances.  Meanwhile, she remained Len's favorite mastication perspiration.</p><p>Lenny at twenty-one had finally fully left pubescence behind, but he was still a young man with a young man's needs, and a stupidly romantic heart.  If Laverne wasn't so blind, she'd see that.  And Lenny had looked real dashing tonight, not as good as Squiggy of course, but the guy had a certain elephance in a crumblebundt.</p><p>Squiggy slipped out of the lower bunk.  "I gotta use the can before I go to sleep."</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>@@@@</p>
  <p>1962</p>
</div><p>"No squeaking tonight neither?"  Squiggy missed it.  It was one of the ways Lenny helped him fall asleep, along with stories and songs of course.</p><p>"I can't no more."  Len's voice was still thick with tears.  Randy Carpenter had died in a fire a week ago, and Lenny and Squiggy had to be the ones to tell the fireman's girlfriend.  The worst part was Laverne didn't even believe them, she didn't believe no one, until her old man showed her the article in the paper.</p><p>"I miss him, too," Squiggy reluctantly admitted.  "But it'll get easier."</p><p>"It's not just that.  I feel guilty because Laverne was crazy in love with him and now he's gone and I'm still here."</p><p>"Yeah, but this is your chance, make your move while she's distaught with grief."</p><p>"I couldn't do that.  It wouldn't be right.  I mean, would you go after Shirley if Carmine died?"</p><p>"Hm."</p><p>"Squig."</p><p>"OK, probably not.  And I'd miss the Big Ragoo myself."</p><p>"See?"</p><p>Squiggy thought but didn't say that time wounds all heels and Lenny would soon be back to his old jerk-off self.  At least Squiggy hoped so.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>@@@@</p>
  <p>1965</p>
</div><p>"Her skin is so soft, Squig!"</p><p>The squeaking reflected Lenny's slowed down movements that night.  Under the influence of the reefer gas, Lenny's always sensitive senses were heighted and so he had to swim slowly through time.  Lenny had driven the ice cream truck very slowly from the Hollywood party back to their purple apartment in Burbank.</p><p>There was no way Squiggy was driving, not with his paranoids in full bloom.  He'd barely trusted Shirley when she tried to quiet his fears and he wasn't so sure about Lenny.</p><p>The girls wasn't around when he and Lenny came in from their breath of fresh air, although how fresh could it be in a subburn of Los Angels?  He hoped the girls hadn't been kidnapped, but he was too scared of being deducted himself to go look for them.  He felt a little safer being home, with the doors all locked.</p><p>At first the squeaking had startled him and he thought they had mice.  Then he recognized it and it brought a little comfort.</p><p>"I just wanna run my hands all over her naked body!"</p><p>Well, some things never changed in a frighteningly changing world.  But this time, Squiggy said, "Yeah?"</p><p>That was all the encouragement Lenny needed to describe what he imagined the softness of her face and hair would be like on a body he'd never seen in less than a bikini.  Squiggy thought about Shirley of course, but he also thought of climbing into the upper bunk and touching Lenny.  He could imagine running one hand all over Lenny's body, while the other pleasured him.  And maybe his best friend would return the favor.</p><p>But even stoned, Squiggy resisted, and not just because these bunk beds wasn't any sturdier than the ones from his childhood that he'd had to leave behind in Milwaukee (both the beds and most of his childhood).  Sure, he could blame it on the Tijuana smoke the morning after, but he felt like it would change their friendship too much.  Even if it was a one-time thing, it would be a shadow hanging over them.  And what if, considering what a great lover Squiggy was, Lenny wanted it to be a regular thing?  After all, this was the guy who kept proposing to Laverne every couple years.  Lenny tried to be a swinger, but he was looking for a commitment, and how could Squiggy turn his roommate down?</p><p>He got out of bed and said, "I gotta use the can.  Um, reefer gas makes me have to whiz as bad as Shotz."</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>@@@@</p>
  <p>1968</p>
</div><p>Squiggy didn't say hello when he opened the door because, one, it was his own apartment, and two, Lenny was supposed to be at Laverne's, giving her a guitar lesson.  It wasn't the first lesson since they'd moved to California, but now that rock &amp; roll was getting harder, Laverne was trying to keep up.  She stunk in any style, but Lenny was infinitesimally patient with her.  "She's really comin' along in her fingerin'," he had reported after the last lesson.</p><p>Squiggy froze in the doorway as he realized that Laverne had her fingers on Lenny's skin-flute, as he played with her exposed chest.  They both had their eyes shut and with their sighs and moans and all that, plus the top bunk sighing and moaning from their weight and movements, they didn't notice Squiggy.  He felt like going into outrage, which he'd lifted to a high art, but instead he stepped back into the hallway and quietly shut the door.</p><p>He felt happy for Lenny but sad for himself.  He hoped he could find a place to bunk down for the night.  Maybe he could share Rhonda's bed, even if there would be a mirror instead of a Kosnowski above him.</p>
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